life is what you make it but wtf have i made?
I'm tunneling towards the end of my PhD and I've been reflecting on the beast of my academic past while thinking about my next steps. As I look around at my peers, they seem to have so much more vigor than I do....joie de vivre (is this just my impostor syndrome speaking?) For me, I just want to float away...not just from this school, this city, this "student" title. I want to leave behind all the versions of myself that I've curated on this path.
What's going on?? It's crystallizing how much my decisions to pursue higher education have been born out of trauma. Re: poverty; Re: child of immigrants; Re: american dream; Re: full tuition scholarship....I don't want to say more.
Throughout my PhD, I never really felt like I belonged. In many ways, I'm fulfilled here, but seemingly not for the same reasons as everyone else. I have a stable job and make more money than I've ever made in my life. I live in a safe place and can afford to eat consistently. The academy glistens with the privileged. Perhaps I'm realizing that I never felt like I belonged in the academy because I never really wanted to be there in the first place.